Chris Paul Has No Respect For Conventional Society.

27 Points 10 Rebounds 15 Assists and 7 Steals is out of goddamn control. That is Paul's stat line from last night's game. Now I usually am nonplussed by good players putting up gawdy numbers every once in awhile but Paul does this sort of shit once a week.

It's pretty obvious that CP is the best point in the league. But I also want to give him my vote for nastiest, most Stockton-esque player right now. Everything he does is with a sneer. Every time he plays defense he fouls someone very discreetly so the refs don't notice it. I love it. It's like he's stolen Stockton's brain and put it in his much more athletic body. Oh yeah, I have to mention his spotlight moment of being dirty. In college he gave Julius Hodge a quick balltap that the cameras caught and earned him his first bit of notoriety for fucking with opponents.

Some of you out there, like anyone reads this, might cry that being dirty has a double standard. Your gay asses are right. When Bruce Bowen does it fuck him and the horse he rode in on. When Chris Paul does it its badass. Know why? Because Chris Paul does a lot of entertaining shit on a basketball court. He makes the games much more fun to watch. Bruce Bowen does the exact opposite of that. He makes games more ugly and boring and thats why people despise him for basically the same sort of tactics.

In summary, fuck Bruce Bowen.

Michael Redd Can't Come Home

It sucks Michael Redd blew out his ACL and MCL the other night after landing on Luke Ridnour's foot. I love watching Redd shoot so him getting hurt just sucks. The real reason it sucks is that I have been hoping the Cavs would be able to trade for him for years. Now there is no chance of that. Redd was the only major perimeter player I saw the Cavs dealing for so with him out of the realm of possibility I think the cavs will now concentrate on acquiring a big man for depth (They can't count on Z's foot to make it through June) Here are some dudes I think the Cavs should take a chance on aquiring as I think the Cavs need to add one or two more pieces with the Wally and Eric Snow's expiring contracts. (and yes I know some of these guys are hurt right now or have been hurt already this year)

1)Chris Kaman
2)Joe Smith
3)Jason Kapono
4)Jeff Foster
5)Andre Kirlinko
6)Antwan Jamison
7)Brad Miller

You May Run Like Hayes, But You Hit Like Shit.

What the Seattle Sonics could have learned from the movie Major League:

1. Lou Brown and his mustache will always be a much better coach than someone in a turtleneck that goes by the name of PJ. Then again, Lou Brown almost decided that coaching the Indians was less desirable than running an auto shop. So this ones actually a toss up depending on how you fall on turtlenecks. I fall favorably, so...

2. If your owner is conspiring with another city to move the team there the only thing you can do is...............WIN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING!

Side Note - Girls like Rene Russo do not stick around in places like Cleveland to revamp the public library system. If they do they obviously have something to hide. Girls like Rene Russo move to big cities and fuck hipsters or businessman or more likely ruggedly handsome hobos they meet on the subway.

3. Atleast one player that is into voodoo is always good for team chemistry. Unless said player's voodoo hatred is directed at someone else on the team. That shit can get awkward. Collison, here's looking at you pal.

And a great quote from Bob Uecker for all you aspiring announcers:

Harry Doyle: [before the playoff game] Monty, anything to add?

Colorman: Ummm... no.

Harry Doyle: He's not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!

Didn't Hubie Brown Die Two Years Ago?

As I watched some of the Lakers Spurs showdown today a funny thing happened. I actually laughed at something the commentators said. Now if you watch the NBA, or any sport, with any consistency it is very clear that all announcers will make you more angry with their words than anything going on on the court. The exception to this situation is Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson. I laughed out loud today when Van Gundy said something along the lines of Von Wafer should be on the all star team and Mark Jackson replied with "I'm speechless." These two are the straight-from-the-carwash Subaru Legacy GT with Spoiler of the NBA announcing ranks. If only Marv Albert or Gus Johnson could be the play by play guy next to these two jesters. I think that would make my ears orgasm all over the place.

On the other side of the spectrum is fucking Hubie Brown. This old man's mind is not running on all cylinders anymore and yet everyone's supposed to listen to his stream of conscious basketball musings. I swear to god, if Hubie Brown tells me to get off his lawn one more time while I'm watching a fucking basketball game, I will absolutely steal his dentures and not replace them. The man has to be stopped before he makes more and more young viewers think that his announcing makes sense. Brown is much more of a problem for the nation's youth than drugs or illiteracy or becoming a steelers fan. He's more of a problem because there is nothing more important than young people knowing the difference between good annoouncing and auditory rape.

To Be Continued

Who Is This Brian Cardinal You Speak Of?

As the inaugural post of this blog, I would like to tell you about Brian Cardinal. Brian played basketball at Purdue in the late 90's and ended up in the NBA for a number of years. He may still be playing, but unfortunately I'm not a scientist so how would I know that kind of shit.


Cardinal as a player was never more than unremarkable, but as a showcase of the amazing things the human body can do he was a champion. Every minute of every game Cardinal would sweat like an overdrugged hippy standing in the heat too long at an all day concert. On two occasions a ballboy for Purdue threw up after he got too close to his mop and inhaled too deeply of Cardinal's scent. It was his secret weapon. Opposing players were frozen by the smell and the sheer volume of liquid that would come off of his body when coming in contact with him.


Some of you out there may remember Gheorghe Muresan marketing a fake cologne that smelled like cabbage on an ESPN commercial. That idea was actually spawned/stolen from Cardinal's trademark Fish Of The Orient Cologne that was briefly sold in Indiana and Taiwan. According to my sources, in Taiwan the bottled aroma has magical medicinal powers like curing blindness, virtigo, and nasal congestion.