Burrow's Teeth

 

Joe Burrow had regular teeth in college. He won a national title with perfectly normal teeth. He looked very fucking cool sitting there smoking his cigar in the LSU locker room with those teeth. He was still working with the same set of denticles while his knee got mangled his rookie year in Cincy. 

When he shows up for his second year with the Bengals, he shows up not only with a better, less cowardly knee, but with some big ole fresh dice in his mouth.

Now why did he do that? Did he blame his old obsolete teeth for his knee injury? Maybe. Seems like a fairly logical jump to make considering Ohio’s Motto until their centennial in 1903 was a classic in Midwestern serenity, “Lean in the Tooth? Might as well be Dead.”

What else spurred him towards the decision? Here’s my theory, which has zero holes.

I think Joe visited a witch of the woods when his knee was jacked, and the old crone looked into her orb and began slowly incantating, “The Great Conjunction’s thirst is only slaked through sacrifice and rebirth,” until the tiny murmur became a din echoing around the forest from one swaying tree to the next.

Then he went to New York City and met with some piece of shit ad exec with slicked back hair and a white bathing suit that told him if he wanted to be the next face of Bose Headphones he was gonna need “Dangerous Nights” teeth.

Joe put two and two together. The witch was talking about sacrificing his old teeth on the altar of the Great Conjunction, and be reborn on the banks of the Ohio with beautiful new chompers. It was settled, he went and got new whitewalls and things started clicking. Deep playoff runs. Quarter billion dollar contract. Dominating the runway Kramer-style in a backless black suit at Paris Fashion Week. The teeth play.

On the darker side of the ledger, since Joe’s gotten these new teeth, there have been some troubling, monkey paw-esque developments, which tends to happen when you involve witches. He was forced to take a proof of life photo with Trump. That was, umm, not ideal. Although I’d chalk that one up to his guy Bosa really wanting a photo with the Big Man, and Joe getting stuck at the wrong place and wrong time. There is also the whole Aftab putting a hex on the team debacle that needs a counterweight.

I think Joe knows what needs to be done before September. Roll the bones again. Continue the cycle of sacrifice and rebirth the witch whispered into the cosmos, and change up. This time, go even bigger, get the teeth that Jim Carrey has when he wears The Mask. Those are super bowl winner teeth. Get some teeth big enough that if they bit a horse’s haunches the horse would rear back in anguish but eventually have no choice but to show begrudging respect.