Saturday Saturday Saturday

Ohio State plays Wisconsin Saturday night. This game always brings back bad memories for me of when I was a freshman in college (2003) and it was the year after the Buckeyes won the title game. The Buckeyes lost that night game in Wisconsin on a 4th quarter double move by Lee Evans that absolutely torched our All-World corner Chris Gamble. I remember it for that move while some others of you might remember it for an Ohio State LB choking/trying to maim the Wisconsin QB. Yes the play was really really dirty, but it was also steroidingly badass and I don't care if that makes me a bad person. I root for Ohio State, we're all bad people. All of this is off the topic though. The important thing about this game is that Mo Clarett wasn't playing in it. He didn't play the whole year because of "NCAA violations". Whatever those are. And it makes me wistful to think what could have been if he had not been so brazenly disrespectful towards some shitty unfair rules. You might think I'm stupid for this, but some of the reason I decided to go to Ohio State was because I was under the impression that Mo Clarett would be playing for the Buckeyes while I was a freshman and sophomore and through the associative property that meant that I had a very good chance of seeing the Buckeyes win a couple more national titles. This was not to be of course. Clarett never played a down while I was at Ohio State. And I actually don't begrudge him. I begrudge the NCAA for existing as a governing body. Fuckers. Anyway, there's no real point to this story. Fuck Wisconsin. Fuck Lee Evans. And fuck that Wisconsin QB (Jim Sorgi) that had such a weak and vunerable neck that Robert Reynolds decided he should smash it.

Oh Boy

Thank god the Buckeyes exist right now. Otherwise my mind would constantly have to think about how shitty this weekend was for my rooting interests. The Bengals are not...they're not good. The Reds and the feeling of impending doom that hung over them for the entirety (3 games!!) of the playoffs are now finished. So without the gleaming shininess of the Nuts being number 1 happy time awesome right now I would be drinking myself into a dark dark place where I'm mean and belligerent and very much light the world on fire-ey. I don't like that place. And neither does anyone else. So if you're a southwestern Ohioan with murderous intentions for everyone and everything think about Ohio State and slowly unchamber that bullet.

And if you don't root for Ohio State, or god forbid you root for Michigan or Florida or LSU or Purdue or Penn State or Notre Dame you all can go fuck yourselves. 

Hate Mail - Fuck Yeah

Some fucktard in the Philly paper wrote a super shitty article. 

My friend, Sean, took offense to said article. Here is what he emailed said philly fucktard... 

Frank, let me guess...This was your first excursion into the real world? Have you been sheltered by all of the dog shows and cheese steak eating contests that your terrible writing abilities have locked you in to? You clearly have no idea what the hell you are writing about or how to at least make it seem like you deserve your journalism degree. How did you get a full time staff job?

 

Your lack of detail and research and general knowledge of the city you are in astounds me. The ballpark, just like your beloved Citizens Bank, is named after the company who bought the naming rights. Just like we used to have Riverfront and you had Veteran’s, times change, money rules, and money names the stadiums. That is just basic knowledge.

 

What makes Philly so good? Is it the great basketball team you have there? The incredibly high crime rate (your murder rate is 3 times the national rate (See stats here)? Or maybe it’s the dog-drowning ex con you have running your Eagles. Maybe it’s because you take pride in things such as cheering injuries, battery tossing, or maybe just assault and battery. Do all Philadelphians tell their kids at age 3 there is no Santa also?

 

So you don’t like goetta. Good for you. Did you have 5 minutes to write this article and you had to pull something together? “Well, hell, I saw goetta at the food stand where I spent my entire night, that’s new to me. I’ll dedicate half of my article to that food.” That would be like me wondering why cheese steaks are such a fad in Philly.

 

The river? Really? Here is how your night must have gone: you were in the outfield concourse, heard an usher tell a few guys to not get so hammered he had to toss them on national tv (You even chose to make fun of him for choosing Cincy as his place to live compared to the dirty underbelly of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia), you walked by a concession stand that served beer and liquor, and you saw the kids area with corn hole set up. Does that about sum it up? You clearly didn’t make it very far around the stadium to see our full scale restaurant named after the Big Red Machine. Or the dozens of concession stands that are named after former Reds players and the food they serve. Another great observation on your part.

 

At least in your trip to one of the most tradition-rich baseball cities, you stopped to admire the complete dominance we put on the National league back in the 70’s and the history of the very first baseball team (our Hall of Fame). And fyi, when someone is able to make fun of themselves for something the screwed up on (The Hit King and gambling) then the joke loses its value. Since the article you wrote would have taken any 13 year old kid 5 minutes to write, you should have had plenty of time to come up with a much better joke. Maybe something even relevant. Here is something from the top of the head you could have gone with: Cuban pitcher Aroldis Chapman signed with the Reds. So he defected from a country of Reds to a team of them. BOOM! Instant improvement to your junior high quality article.

 

Can’t knock you on the poem, you rhymed. That was more than I expected after the start of the article.

 

Then you clearly had nothing else useful to say. The 5 things heard, ok I can tolerate that because it happened. Then your freelancing 5 things NOT heard. Well that’s about the worst list you could have come up with. I mean, you are making things up for crying out loud! Why don’t you be funny? Original? Anything other than drab like you were. Your comedic value is not present at all. As well as the lack of journalistic ability. How can you knock our mascot, which actually looks like it is affiliated with our club, when you have a green made upcartoon character? It’s not even the Philly. He is a fanatic. The era of mascots who make no sense ended when the San Diego chicken retired and was enshrined. Let me know when your furball does anything relevant and stops looking like your used tissue.

 

Never been to Philly but the city can’t be as bad as your writing is. Next time when you decide to rip on a city, its stadium and surroundings, you should consider a few things first: 1) Can I really make an assumption by standing in the outfield, looking at a river? 2) Is my city any better? 3) Do I have any credibility as a writer?

 

I hope I never come across an article of yours again. Well better yet, I hope I do. I hope I see you writing in the free lance section of your free local paper. That way, I can rest assured that the big wigs at the Inquirer have come to terms with them wasting their money on a talentless, witless, junior college journalism dropout.