Hipsters, The NBA, And TV

Okay so I was having an email exchange with M'Antoni about where we should watch game 3 of Nuggets Mavs. When the option of my neighborhood, East Williamsburg, came up as a potential place to watch, a whole new conversation erupted. As verbatim as I can remember it, this was my description of watching a game in my hood.

Me - I guess we could as long as you want to watch it in a cash only bar that may or may not have a tv bigger than 13 inches."
M'Antoni - I thought hipsters loved the NBA cause it showed they weren't racist?
Me - Hipsters love the idea of the NBA. But hipsters don't watch tv.

While that obviously closed the door on watching the game in my part of Brooklyn, it also started me thinking about tv consumption, basketball consumption, and hipster time usage/wastage.

I thinks it funny when people, not just hipsters, say they don't watch tv, because it just sounds so pretentious and ludicrous at the same time. What in the hell do they do instead? If they were to follow up with, I read scientific periodicals, well then it's acceptable and quite frankly pretty badass. Who needs a tv when you have a compelling study on bee's and their vexing colony collapse disorder. But when someone answers my follow up question with, I try to live life and experience things, then I have to call bullshit on those good sirs. What exactly does living life entail? Does that mean you sit down and just take long deep breaths for hours on end? Do you get stoned and listen to your ipod while staring up into the sky? Make meth in your basement? What are all of these people up to?

As for M'Antoni's remark about hipsters loving the NBA because it says to the world that they aren't racist, well that requires some thought as well. From my limited interaction with hipsters, mostly moving them out of my way when I want to get a drink at a bar, I have noticed that they aren't much for sports. First of all, playing sports in skinny jeans seems challenging. Watching sports in skinny jeans, while less demanding, still is not recommended because it devalues your hipster street cred. And they already learned that lesson when they were teenagers with their magic the gathering cards. You never want to devalue a possession in a saturated market. They can't just sit down on a couch all willy nilly, dust off the tv, and watch basketball because next time they're in a conversation something ghastly might happen like them mentioning that great game that happened last night. What would their friends think? Correction former friends. Anyway, while hipsters probably support the idea of the NBA and the equality of races, I don't think their will be much discussion in bars aorund here about the Birdman.

Paulus and Michigan, FUCK YEAH!

The blog Eleven Warriors has noted that as of right now the starter at QB for Michigan is a skinny armed true freshman. So it isn't a surprise that Dick Rod is grasping for straws in the way of offering Greg Paulus a scholarship. I couldn't be happier about this development. To think that Thaddeus Maximus is going to get some cracks at Paulus gives me a levitra level boner. Keep giving the Michigan faithful things to be proud of Dick Rod and I'll keep laughing it up at your sorry ass university.

Bill Raftery's Jock Itch For DaJaun Blair Continues Unabated

Raftery is killing it right now. I think he would literally take a bullet for Blair if it meant he could watch the big man work in the post a little bit longer. The thing is, I give almost all announcers a free pass because of my white hot hate of Hubie Brown, but Raftery splooging all over the airwaves after every Blair rebound is starting to wear on me. As for the tournament, now that O State is out all I really care about is catching the moment that Duke and UNC lose. Thats a two pronged sentence. OSU and Duke/UNC.

First OSU. At this point in my sports rooting career, I have no faith in good things happening. I constantly think there is a piano hanging above the teams I root for. And nothing the last couple years has made me reconsider my view. Let's take a look back through 00's.

2000-02 - Bengals suck, Reds Suck, OSU endures the Bellisari era.

2003 - Mo Clarett makes Sean Taylor look like a little bitch. Envisioning two more years of Mo Claw running buck wild I enroll at OSU. Mo Claw continues to run buck wild, but not on the field.

2005 - Bengals get derailed from a sure Super Bowl victory when Carson Palmer's knee is shredded. Fucking Pittsburgh.

Present - Bengals suck. Reds might suck. OSU can't beat Siena.

Okay, that was kind of cathartic. On to Duke and UNC. There has been so much hate directed at Duke running up to the tourney that it created a backlash. I'm not acknowledging said backlash because Duke is a blight on our sports landscape and deserves whatever unjust end they get. Although Coach K is a very good basketball coach and deserves a lot of praise for transforming Lebron into a defensive force, I get the feeling that he is a very evil dude. Like Dick Cheney evil. they're probably hunting buddies.

As for UNC - Hansbrough is my poster boy for overhyped not good enough for the NBA college players. He also seems like a grade a mental midget. The school itself only escapes the same wrath directed at Duke because silly people think you have to like one or the other of them. That is not the case. They both suck at life.

Newsflash: Morons Often Get Very Desirable Jobs

Like learning a new word causes you to notice it a lot more in your everyday life, losing my job has caused me to notice how many morons still have theirs...and not joe jobs mopping the floor at the local elementary school, but, like, you know, awesome jobs.

Example 1 mega billion: the announcer for the Marquette v Utah State NCAA Tourney game literally made the following statement after a Utah State player dribbled the ball off his leg and his teammate picked up the ball and banked in a 3 pointer from the left side of the floor:

He took that loose ball off the floor, you know how hard that is to do (Me: no it's not, no one else was around him) and knocked it in like no one's business. No dribble. No nothing. He was intending to use the board. And he did. What a shot!

I'm paraphrasing slightly but that's close to verbatim. You read that right. The announcer (either Craig Bolerjack or Dan Wenzel) just claimed that a guy intended to use the back board for a three from the side of the court. A preposterous, borderline mental handicapped statement. I just can't let that slide it is so fucking stupid.

It was one of those panicky, lucky shots which makes this tournament so awesome. That is all.

The other guy poked fun at that announcer later, which is the only reason I found this more humorous than disgusting.

Rick Fucking Reilly

Oh how I hate this man. I turned on espn a couple minutes early in anticipation of the Heat Celtics game and Reilly was doing a mindless segment on words of the tournament. The segment would show a phrase like BOX OUT and Reilly would describe what boxing out was. Then he would offer up a hilarious joke about it not being the same as box in, "Which is what Bernie Madoff is dealing with." What a gas!!! I'm thinking about writing Reilly an email and asking permission to use that one in my next standup routine. "Hey, have you heard of this Madoff guy? He's not watching any of the tournament, no boxing out or fundamentals for him. He's boxed in." Christ. Anyway, ESPN has been the bane of my sports waching existence for quite while and now that they added Reilly to the fold it's like they are baiting me into doing something rash.

R Kelly Will Turn This Fucking Car Around If He Hears One More Word About Hansbrough Being The Greatest.

So I'm looking at the Sporting Blog last night to see if they had anything about the tournament already posted and sure enough Shanoff had an article up. Usually I don't have that big of a problem with Shanoff. He seems like he means well in most cases even if I disagree with his opinion frequently. I more or less just look at him as a regular sportswriter that writes completely mainstream shit that a lot of the vieiwng public/zombies out there will agree with because ESPN has stolen their brain already. But in the 12th or so paragraph of the above linked article I had a very slight brain aneurysm. In it, Shanoff calls Hansbrough arguably the best player in UNC history and then he throws out the hilarious claim, "perhaps one of the 10 best players in NCAA history." I'm sorry but just because Little Lord Hansbrough stayed all four years, is white, and can score around the basket doesn't mean he is an all time great. Maybe it's just because he looks and acts like such a douche that I discount his talents. Nope, on second thought, he is just another JJ Redick. A one dimensional white player that gets his nob slobbed an inordinate amount of time in the press because he's white and his team is really good. So, in conclusion, Shanoff should cool it on the god among gods talk and Hansbrough should probably petition for a fifth year of eligibilty since he will never be good enough to break into the top seven of any rotation in the NBA.

F' The Innocent

So I was watching the second half of the OSU vs. Northwestern game at a bar. And you know what the guy next to me says to his buddy. "I wonder how it feels for Ohio State fans to have their teams lose championships in both football and basketball in the same year."

Without even thinking, I say. "It fucking sucks." Then they ask me some stupid shit I can't remember cause I was too busy resisting the urge to burn the whole establishment down. Fuck that year.

Anyway, Ohio State has twenty wins and still, zero point guards. There are no words for that.

Who Does The Scheduling Around Here?

Last night, I was all pumped up to watch the Cavs play the Heat. Wade vs. Bron is one of my favorite matchups to watch when it comes to the NBA. And it's not because the two teams are evenly matched or that I have a vested interest in the outcome. It's because they always seem to raise each others competitive levels a couple notches. Everytime their teams square off it seems like they stop trying to be good teammates and just one up each other in sheer virtuoso performances. And I love that in small doses when it comes to sports. It isn't positive for their teams but for casual viewers of the game it is fantastic.

Of course when I turn my TV on to find where I can watch it I am confronted by fucking inane college basketball matchups. Really? Viewers out there would rather watch Providence and Villanova (I have no idea if that's who it was, I just saw college basketball and promptly whipped the controller out the window) go at it than Bron and Wade? I know people out there love to argue that college ball is more entertaining because, "they care more, no one in the NBA even tries hard until the playoffs. I'm a raging child molester!" Those people can go fuck themselves. Seriously, those are the kind of people that don't like basketball anyway, and probably have never watched the NBA. NBA players are busting their ass every game to make the playoffs. Can you really say that Dwyane Wade is just going through the motions until the mid april. He is moving heaven and earth this year to make the Heat just competitive. This makes me so mad. I think my point is that some unwatchable college game should not preempt one of the most entertaining matchups on the NBA schedule.

Hey Hightower, Suck My Balls

Ohio State got beat soundly by Purdue last night. They also got pounded in the ass by Ref/Showman Ed Hightower. The man is a menace and must be stopped before I end up losing my mind and burning his house down. From the blog Eleven Warriors come this laundry list of Hightowerocity.

• Awarding Purdue possession after blatantly throwing the ball away on a fast break with OSU trailing 26-14.
  
• Under the bucket, he was right in front of a call in which the ball bounced off Chris Kramer and out of bounds with OSU trailing 37-30. Kramer even dropped his hands to the floor in disgust because he knew it was off him but Hightower still blew it drawing a smile from Kramer.
  
• In the first half, a questionable failure to reset the shot clock after Purdue nearly stole the ball led to OSU calling a timeout but upon the possession restart, the shot clock wasn’t reset and of course OSU shot themselves in the foot by failing to get off a shot before the clock ran out.
  
• My favorite BS call of the day was a phantom moving screen call on Evan Turner with 10:24 left in the game. The whistle gave Turner his fourth foul. Unbelievable call. And of course, Eddie got all theatrical making the most of his airtime on the horrific call.
  
• One last grasp at unnecessary airtime occurred when he stopped the game to counsel BJ Mullens after he dunked on Robbie Hummel and gave him a very brief scowl.

Hubie Brown Knows How To Hurt Me

Hubie Brown has finally figured out why Chris Paul is so good.

"Paul's so good because he shoots a high field goal percentage on all of his shots," Says Brown.

First, that sentence is just a tad redundant. If you shoot a high field goal percentage then one would think that that would encompass all of his shots. Unless Hubie is conducting some sports viewing experiment where he is saying the dumbest shit possible to see if anyone notices, I have no explanation for his retardery besides him being 93 years old. Back to the Hubie's quote though. How can Hubie say with a straight face that Paul's excellence on the basketball court is derived from his ability to have a high field goal percentage? That's about the 10th most important thing he does for his team. What about setting his teammates up with easy shots? Or bringing a certain I will cut your balls off to win this game attitude. Seriously Hubie, you make me want to kill my TV.

Brown also called the two players the Hornets got for Tyson Chandler, Joe Smith and Chris Wilcox, excellent players. What the fuck are you talking about Hubie? Joe Smith, slightly above average. Chris Wilcox? He's never done anything besides take up space and make easy baskets. Is anyone going to pull the plug on this Completely Senile Hubie Commentating Experience?

Hey Kid, Crying Ain't Gonna Make Duke Any Less Gay

Duke got beat by 27 last night and I missed it. Instead of watching Lebron do his damn thing against the hapless defense of the Knicks I should have been basking in the sweet sweet destruction of the Blue Devils. Clemson, you are now my third favorite college team until someone else beats Duke by a shitload.

Hopefully this game will be replayed on ESPN Classic today. If not I guess I'm just going to have to order it from Clemson's athletic office so that I can pleasure myself to it five times a day. The only thing more satisfying than hearing about this is if Dick Vitale performed ritual suicide last night because of it. I would probably have to get a tat saying 2/4/09 if that happened.

LeBronnie Has SoSo Night

52 pts 11 asts 10 rbs. No big deal. The Knicks have been blasted in the ass the last two games. But if you're going to get assblasted it might as well be by Kobe and Bronnie. Also, HOVA and Diddy were in the front row a couple seats from each other. I wonder what they talked about?

Jigga: How is your cologne doing? What's it called again, Emminence?

Diddy: It's called Unforgivable, and it blends power, chemistry and emot...

Jigga: Yeah shut the fuck up. Shit smells like a hobo in a heatwave.

Anyway, the Knicks have to play the Celtics Friday. Which means they play the Lakers, Cavs, and Celtics consecutively. That is some fucked up scheduling. The NBA scheduling robot must have been a NYC Subway turnstile as his last job and is now taking it out on the Knicks. All that crotch in my face would make me a little bitter about the city too.

Not Impressed

I had the distinct pleasure of sitting 6 rows behind the hoop for the performance Sly mentions below.

Despite it being a home game for the Knicks, the crowd was giving Kobe all kinds of love, chanting "M-V-P" and basically fighting over who would have the first chance to please him orally like that Heather chick from the internet.

Well, not me. Consider me unimpressed. As the game wound down, the Lakers committed a foul, which quieted the crowd. The players lined up along the lane, including Kobe, to await for the free throws. The momentary calm provided the perfect opportunity for me to stand up and yell for all to hear:

"Hey, Kobe, ZERO rebounds. ZERO. What now?!"

Yeah, that's right. 61 points, but 0 rebounds. I put that fucker in his place.

Kobe Bryant: Back In The Clink

Kobe Bryant was arrested Monday on rape and murder charges after he burned down Madison Square Garden with 61 points in the Lakers win last night. The Knicks defense was found dead and violated by the NYPD immediately after their game with the Lakers. An unnamed NYPD source told us that the girl in Colorado that Kobe had his way with got off easy compared to the Knicks players, who were defenseless against such an onslaught of power and aggression.

Mike D'Antoni is being sought by police for questioning. It is widely speculated that he may be charged with collusion for his lack of focus on his team's defensive shortcomings.

Chris Paul Has No Respect For Conventional Society.

27 Points 10 Rebounds 15 Assists and 7 Steals is out of goddamn control. That is Paul's stat line from last night's game. Now I usually am nonplussed by good players putting up gawdy numbers every once in awhile but Paul does this sort of shit once a week.

It's pretty obvious that CP is the best point in the league. But I also want to give him my vote for nastiest, most Stockton-esque player right now. Everything he does is with a sneer. Every time he plays defense he fouls someone very discreetly so the refs don't notice it. I love it. It's like he's stolen Stockton's brain and put it in his much more athletic body. Oh yeah, I have to mention his spotlight moment of being dirty. In college he gave Julius Hodge a quick balltap that the cameras caught and earned him his first bit of notoriety for fucking with opponents.

Some of you out there, like anyone reads this, might cry that being dirty has a double standard. Your gay asses are right. When Bruce Bowen does it fuck him and the horse he rode in on. When Chris Paul does it its badass. Know why? Because Chris Paul does a lot of entertaining shit on a basketball court. He makes the games much more fun to watch. Bruce Bowen does the exact opposite of that. He makes games more ugly and boring and thats why people despise him for basically the same sort of tactics.

In summary, fuck Bruce Bowen.

Michael Redd Can't Come Home

It sucks Michael Redd blew out his ACL and MCL the other night after landing on Luke Ridnour's foot. I love watching Redd shoot so him getting hurt just sucks. The real reason it sucks is that I have been hoping the Cavs would be able to trade for him for years. Now there is no chance of that. Redd was the only major perimeter player I saw the Cavs dealing for so with him out of the realm of possibility I think the cavs will now concentrate on acquiring a big man for depth (They can't count on Z's foot to make it through June) Here are some dudes I think the Cavs should take a chance on aquiring as I think the Cavs need to add one or two more pieces with the Wally and Eric Snow's expiring contracts. (and yes I know some of these guys are hurt right now or have been hurt already this year)

1)Chris Kaman
2)Joe Smith
3)Jason Kapono
4)Jeff Foster
5)Andre Kirlinko
6)Antwan Jamison
7)Brad Miller

You May Run Like Hayes, But You Hit Like Shit.

What the Seattle Sonics could have learned from the movie Major League:

1. Lou Brown and his mustache will always be a much better coach than someone in a turtleneck that goes by the name of PJ. Then again, Lou Brown almost decided that coaching the Indians was less desirable than running an auto shop. So this ones actually a toss up depending on how you fall on turtlenecks. I fall favorably, so...

2. If your owner is conspiring with another city to move the team there the only thing you can do is...............WIN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING!

Side Note - Girls like Rene Russo do not stick around in places like Cleveland to revamp the public library system. If they do they obviously have something to hide. Girls like Rene Russo move to big cities and fuck hipsters or businessman or more likely ruggedly handsome hobos they meet on the subway.

3. Atleast one player that is into voodoo is always good for team chemistry. Unless said player's voodoo hatred is directed at someone else on the team. That shit can get awkward. Collison, here's looking at you pal.

And a great quote from Bob Uecker for all you aspiring announcers:

Harry Doyle: [before the playoff game] Monty, anything to add?

Colorman: Ummm... no.

Harry Doyle: He's not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!

Didn't Hubie Brown Die Two Years Ago?

As I watched some of the Lakers Spurs showdown today a funny thing happened. I actually laughed at something the commentators said. Now if you watch the NBA, or any sport, with any consistency it is very clear that all announcers will make you more angry with their words than anything going on on the court. The exception to this situation is Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson. I laughed out loud today when Van Gundy said something along the lines of Von Wafer should be on the all star team and Mark Jackson replied with "I'm speechless." These two are the straight-from-the-carwash Subaru Legacy GT with Spoiler of the NBA announcing ranks. If only Marv Albert or Gus Johnson could be the play by play guy next to these two jesters. I think that would make my ears orgasm all over the place.

On the other side of the spectrum is fucking Hubie Brown. This old man's mind is not running on all cylinders anymore and yet everyone's supposed to listen to his stream of conscious basketball musings. I swear to god, if Hubie Brown tells me to get off his lawn one more time while I'm watching a fucking basketball game, I will absolutely steal his dentures and not replace them. The man has to be stopped before he makes more and more young viewers think that his announcing makes sense. Brown is much more of a problem for the nation's youth than drugs or illiteracy or becoming a steelers fan. He's more of a problem because there is nothing more important than young people knowing the difference between good annoouncing and auditory rape.

To Be Continued

Who Is This Brian Cardinal You Speak Of?

As the inaugural post of this blog, I would like to tell you about Brian Cardinal. Brian played basketball at Purdue in the late 90's and ended up in the NBA for a number of years. He may still be playing, but unfortunately I'm not a scientist so how would I know that kind of shit.


Cardinal as a player was never more than unremarkable, but as a showcase of the amazing things the human body can do he was a champion. Every minute of every game Cardinal would sweat like an overdrugged hippy standing in the heat too long at an all day concert. On two occasions a ballboy for Purdue threw up after he got too close to his mop and inhaled too deeply of Cardinal's scent. It was his secret weapon. Opposing players were frozen by the smell and the sheer volume of liquid that would come off of his body when coming in contact with him.


Some of you out there may remember Gheorghe Muresan marketing a fake cologne that smelled like cabbage on an ESPN commercial. That idea was actually spawned/stolen from Cardinal's trademark Fish Of The Orient Cologne that was briefly sold in Indiana and Taiwan. According to my sources, in Taiwan the bottled aroma has magical medicinal powers like curing blindness, virtigo, and nasal congestion.