Bill Raftery's Jock Itch For DaJaun Blair Continues Unabated

Raftery is killing it right now. I think he would literally take a bullet for Blair if it meant he could watch the big man work in the post a little bit longer. The thing is, I give almost all announcers a free pass because of my white hot hate of Hubie Brown, but Raftery splooging all over the airwaves after every Blair rebound is starting to wear on me. As for the tournament, now that O State is out all I really care about is catching the moment that Duke and UNC lose. Thats a two pronged sentence. OSU and Duke/UNC.

First OSU. At this point in my sports rooting career, I have no faith in good things happening. I constantly think there is a piano hanging above the teams I root for. And nothing the last couple years has made me reconsider my view. Let's take a look back through 00's.

2000-02 - Bengals suck, Reds Suck, OSU endures the Bellisari era.

2003 - Mo Clarett makes Sean Taylor look like a little bitch. Envisioning two more years of Mo Claw running buck wild I enroll at OSU. Mo Claw continues to run buck wild, but not on the field.

2005 - Bengals get derailed from a sure Super Bowl victory when Carson Palmer's knee is shredded. Fucking Pittsburgh.

Present - Bengals suck. Reds might suck. OSU can't beat Siena.

Okay, that was kind of cathartic. On to Duke and UNC. There has been so much hate directed at Duke running up to the tourney that it created a backlash. I'm not acknowledging said backlash because Duke is a blight on our sports landscape and deserves whatever unjust end they get. Although Coach K is a very good basketball coach and deserves a lot of praise for transforming Lebron into a defensive force, I get the feeling that he is a very evil dude. Like Dick Cheney evil. they're probably hunting buddies.

As for UNC - Hansbrough is my poster boy for overhyped not good enough for the NBA college players. He also seems like a grade a mental midget. The school itself only escapes the same wrath directed at Duke because silly people think you have to like one or the other of them. That is not the case. They both suck at life.

Newsflash: Morons Often Get Very Desirable Jobs

Like learning a new word causes you to notice it a lot more in your everyday life, losing my job has caused me to notice how many morons still have theirs...and not joe jobs mopping the floor at the local elementary school, but, like, you know, awesome jobs.

Example 1 mega billion: the announcer for the Marquette v Utah State NCAA Tourney game literally made the following statement after a Utah State player dribbled the ball off his leg and his teammate picked up the ball and banked in a 3 pointer from the left side of the floor:

He took that loose ball off the floor, you know how hard that is to do (Me: no it's not, no one else was around him) and knocked it in like no one's business. No dribble. No nothing. He was intending to use the board. And he did. What a shot!

I'm paraphrasing slightly but that's close to verbatim. You read that right. The announcer (either Craig Bolerjack or Dan Wenzel) just claimed that a guy intended to use the back board for a three from the side of the court. A preposterous, borderline mental handicapped statement. I just can't let that slide it is so fucking stupid.

It was one of those panicky, lucky shots which makes this tournament so awesome. That is all.

The other guy poked fun at that announcer later, which is the only reason I found this more humorous than disgusting.

Rick Fucking Reilly

Oh how I hate this man. I turned on espn a couple minutes early in anticipation of the Heat Celtics game and Reilly was doing a mindless segment on words of the tournament. The segment would show a phrase like BOX OUT and Reilly would describe what boxing out was. Then he would offer up a hilarious joke about it not being the same as box in, "Which is what Bernie Madoff is dealing with." What a gas!!! I'm thinking about writing Reilly an email and asking permission to use that one in my next standup routine. "Hey, have you heard of this Madoff guy? He's not watching any of the tournament, no boxing out or fundamentals for him. He's boxed in." Christ. Anyway, ESPN has been the bane of my sports waching existence for quite while and now that they added Reilly to the fold it's like they are baiting me into doing something rash.

R Kelly Will Turn This Fucking Car Around If He Hears One More Word About Hansbrough Being The Greatest.

So I'm looking at the Sporting Blog last night to see if they had anything about the tournament already posted and sure enough Shanoff had an article up. Usually I don't have that big of a problem with Shanoff. He seems like he means well in most cases even if I disagree with his opinion frequently. I more or less just look at him as a regular sportswriter that writes completely mainstream shit that a lot of the vieiwng public/zombies out there will agree with because ESPN has stolen their brain already. But in the 12th or so paragraph of the above linked article I had a very slight brain aneurysm. In it, Shanoff calls Hansbrough arguably the best player in UNC history and then he throws out the hilarious claim, "perhaps one of the 10 best players in NCAA history." I'm sorry but just because Little Lord Hansbrough stayed all four years, is white, and can score around the basket doesn't mean he is an all time great. Maybe it's just because he looks and acts like such a douche that I discount his talents. Nope, on second thought, he is just another JJ Redick. A one dimensional white player that gets his nob slobbed an inordinate amount of time in the press because he's white and his team is really good. So, in conclusion, Shanoff should cool it on the god among gods talk and Hansbrough should probably petition for a fifth year of eligibilty since he will never be good enough to break into the top seven of any rotation in the NBA.

F' The Innocent

So I was watching the second half of the OSU vs. Northwestern game at a bar. And you know what the guy next to me says to his buddy. "I wonder how it feels for Ohio State fans to have their teams lose championships in both football and basketball in the same year."

Without even thinking, I say. "It fucking sucks." Then they ask me some stupid shit I can't remember cause I was too busy resisting the urge to burn the whole establishment down. Fuck that year.

Anyway, Ohio State has twenty wins and still, zero point guards. There are no words for that.

Who Does The Scheduling Around Here?

Last night, I was all pumped up to watch the Cavs play the Heat. Wade vs. Bron is one of my favorite matchups to watch when it comes to the NBA. And it's not because the two teams are evenly matched or that I have a vested interest in the outcome. It's because they always seem to raise each others competitive levels a couple notches. Everytime their teams square off it seems like they stop trying to be good teammates and just one up each other in sheer virtuoso performances. And I love that in small doses when it comes to sports. It isn't positive for their teams but for casual viewers of the game it is fantastic.

Of course when I turn my TV on to find where I can watch it I am confronted by fucking inane college basketball matchups. Really? Viewers out there would rather watch Providence and Villanova (I have no idea if that's who it was, I just saw college basketball and promptly whipped the controller out the window) go at it than Bron and Wade? I know people out there love to argue that college ball is more entertaining because, "they care more, no one in the NBA even tries hard until the playoffs. I'm a raging child molester!" Those people can go fuck themselves. Seriously, those are the kind of people that don't like basketball anyway, and probably have never watched the NBA. NBA players are busting their ass every game to make the playoffs. Can you really say that Dwyane Wade is just going through the motions until the mid april. He is moving heaven and earth this year to make the Heat just competitive. This makes me so mad. I think my point is that some unwatchable college game should not preempt one of the most entertaining matchups on the NBA schedule.

Hey Hightower, Suck My Balls

Ohio State got beat soundly by Purdue last night. They also got pounded in the ass by Ref/Showman Ed Hightower. The man is a menace and must be stopped before I end up losing my mind and burning his house down. From the blog Eleven Warriors come this laundry list of Hightowerocity.

• Awarding Purdue possession after blatantly throwing the ball away on a fast break with OSU trailing 26-14.
  
• Under the bucket, he was right in front of a call in which the ball bounced off Chris Kramer and out of bounds with OSU trailing 37-30. Kramer even dropped his hands to the floor in disgust because he knew it was off him but Hightower still blew it drawing a smile from Kramer.
  
• In the first half, a questionable failure to reset the shot clock after Purdue nearly stole the ball led to OSU calling a timeout but upon the possession restart, the shot clock wasn’t reset and of course OSU shot themselves in the foot by failing to get off a shot before the clock ran out.
  
• My favorite BS call of the day was a phantom moving screen call on Evan Turner with 10:24 left in the game. The whistle gave Turner his fourth foul. Unbelievable call. And of course, Eddie got all theatrical making the most of his airtime on the horrific call.
  
• One last grasp at unnecessary airtime occurred when he stopped the game to counsel BJ Mullens after he dunked on Robbie Hummel and gave him a very brief scowl.