CAT CHAT - PART I

Cat Chat is inspired solely by my roomate's cat, Ted. He's kind of an asshole. He likes glaring at me 98% of the time, especially when I'm sitting in "his" chair. This is his thought process.

"Hey fat boy. I know you see me mean muggin you. I'm only two feet away. Why don't you take your lazy ass out of my chair and deposit yourself on your shitty couch per usual. If you don't get up right now I'm definitely going to jump onto the top of the back of MY CHAIR and scratch it, just to give you a taste of what I could do to you. You won't like it. I know you're worried that one of these days I'm going to use your face as my claw strengthener. I haven't yet but that doesn't mean I'm not tempted every dog gone day to lacerate you for the crime of existing in my presence. Alright, not budging are you? Too busy gestating? Fine, I'm jumping up there. And when I do, I'll be roughly three inches behind your eyeballs, and you'll know I MEAN BUSINESS! Embrace the fear, BITCH!"

At this point I pick up his tin foil ball, wave it around, and then throw it out of the living room and through the kitchen.

"OH MY GOD! SHINY BALL! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? GAAAHHHHHHHHH GIVE IT TO ME! I MUST HAVE IT!"

Ted chases after the tin foil ball, completely forgetting about the chair for the near future.

(Editor's Note: Since originally writing this a while ago, Ted has decided to use my face as the proverbial scratching pad. I may be clairvoyant. Or more likely just an idiot.)