Cat Chat Part II - Ted Talks Popes

Ted and I talk to each other too much. Mostly while he stares at me through the porthole shown in the picture. I like to think of it as a Tim "Toolman" Taylor - Wilson the Neighbor relationship. Today he wanted to put forth his nominations for who should be Pope.

Ted: Oh man, I am wound up today. All this talk about who should be pope on cable news shows started getting me thinking about all sorts of things.

Me: Why? Who cares?

Ted: I care, Paul. You might not be as "in the loop" as me because you're so fat and dumb, but I like to keep up on important events outside this rinky dink hovel we live in. So anyway, all the pope talk had me riled up, cause I've been a catholic my whole life...

Me: Two something years then? The concave thing has taken longer than your whole life.

Ted: 19 cat years! Ass! And I will concave your skull, ya ignorant motherfucker. Like I was saying, I'm crazy devout. Why do you think I've been eating all this tuna lately? I gave up kibbles for Lent.

Me: I'm pretty sure you're just a spoiled little shit and tuna probably tastes better than dry food.

Ted: That's a baseless accusation! Fish and Loaves motherfucker. Anyway, so I was praying earlier about who was going to be the pope and I thought about it and I know who it should be!

Me: First of all, where do you pray? And secondly, all I saw you do earlier is eat a bunch of cat nip, run laps in our apartment, and then try to claw my face when I bent down to scratch your chin.

Ted: You are so dumb. I do the cat nip to equalize my positive and negative energy...

Me: That sounds like some godless hippy talk, I'm not sure how the Catholic Church would fee...

Ted: Just shut up, I can quit whenever I want. But seriously, y'all need to re-up on my bag. Shit's getting a little low. Where was I, oh yeah, after the nip puts my mind at stasis, then I retreat to my litter box to conduct a moral inventory of my life and then repent for my sins in the presence of god.

Me: Hah, I'm pretty sure you just said all you need to about catholicism by using your litter box as your place of god.

Ted: Just...guh...I hate you so much. But today, when I was thinking about the new pope, I had a great idea bout who it should be!

Me: Who?

Ted: My chair should be Pope!

Me: Your chair?!?! You mean the one I found on the street years ago and can't wait to get rid of?

Ted: What did you just say?

Me: Ummm, nothing. Why should the chair be Pope?

Ted: We're going to revisit what you just said later, don't worry. My chair should be pope because even though someone else might be sittting on it sometimes and I can't luxuriate on it the way I was meant to, I know that it will always be there for me afterwards when they get up. Just like my faith!

Me: I agree, Ted. Totally agree. (And then under my breath) Until I throw that piece of shit out next week. You're gonna need a revival after that.