The Midwest Is The Heart Of It All (Cough Cough Ohio)

I grew up in the Midwest. And now I live in New York. So only the most geographically astute even know where I grew up if they can't stare at a map with state names and cities for an indeterminate amount of time. I don't blame people for that though, because on the other side of the spectrum I probably wouldn't be able to delineate between Connecticut, New Hampshire, upstate New York or Vermont on a map. And even if on the off chance I could point out which state is which I would still feign ignorance just to let everyone know that their state isn't very important either. To people on either coast of the US, being a Midwestener means you are a backwater huckleberry. And, you know what, it's completely true!

Also completely true, we're FAT! But fat means we're jolly, which is never not a good thing. But hey, why do you think we're so fat. Because we eat good. The idea of Cincinnati Style Chili says all you need to know about how we do things food-wise. Not only is tomato sauce not acceptable for our spaghetti, we basically went the opposite way and said, fuck all y'all Eye-Talians, we puttin ground meat chili paste on our spaghetti with onions and a pile of shredded cheddar cheese as big as your face. And it is delicious. Anyone who says otherwise either has some unnamed ax to grind against Cincy, has never had Skyline in a proper environment, or probably thinks mustard is too wild to put on their hot dogs. Also, Chicago is in the Midwest, so any and all food arguments you may want to point out are invalid.

Once you get past the food though, some may say that the whole region is a burnt out hellscape that scares the daylights out of its residents and unlucky-to-have-gotten-suckered-into-going-to-a-wedding-there tourists alike. Well, some of it is! Mostly Michigan though! Ohio is like a floating Shangri-La on a cloud compared to Michigan.

What the Midwest really has shown to produce in it's people is a strong ability to be realistic and act rationally about sports (I'm joking and I'm not). I mean, we know our college football is subpar. Fuck y'all for rubbing our noses in it all the time. Our rusted and falling down society is apparently not as conducive to producing lightning fast gigantic HS football players as the South. Probably because the South's version of decay and decline is still at least warm most of the time. It's an advantage that's hard to argue with. The one thing schools in the Midwest could do to even the scales is to start paying coaches a lot more. The more godless robot coaches the North has the better the football will become. ROBO-B1G Baby! On the other side of things though, it does seem that the North gots all the good basketball players now. Probably has something to do with the best sport to play in the cold is a sport that isn't outside, like basketball.

I guess, in a nutshell, it's either too hot or cold most of the time. Things have gotten a little run down, but I'm pretty sure that can be said for all of America. And we are fat because we have the best food. Come at me about that.