Mikey Boy Brown

Pic courtesy of the obviously talented Rachel Shaw.

It's been a couple years since I've written anything about Mike Brown, the mesozoic creature that owns the Bengals. Mostly it's because I don't think about the Bengals much and I don't live in Cincy so his crimes against the city don't get thrown in my face on a daily basis. But since the owner of the Atlanta Falcons announced that they will be building a new stadium yesterday and as of now only 20% of the building funds are coming from the city, I felt it might be a good time to revisit some of the things Mike Brown should be known for.

First off, Mike Brown inherited the Bengals from his father, Paul Brown, one of the founders of modern football. Paul Brown was smart when it came to coaching and building a football team and he was also a shrewd businessman. In the early days of the Bengals there were several part owners of the team and Paul slowly bought them out one by one until his family had a majority share. Unfortunately for the Bengals, he only passed on the shrewd businessman (sort of) aspect to his son, Mike. The whole good football team thing is apparently not as easy to impart. Especially when your son is a jackass.

When Paul Brown passed away, Mike took full control of the team and immediately torpedoed the franchise through several bad personnel and organizational decisions. He let good coaches go. He let good players go. He decided he could do everything by himself with the help of a couple part time lackeys. It's sad and frustrating to think that I attended about 50 games in the 90s and I probably saw the Bengals win five of them. My brother calls Bengals fans like him and I who were brought into the fold in the 90s the Lost Generation. We got to witness Jeff "I've Been Sacked" Klingler, Head Coach and Restaurant Assistant Manager Dave Shula, the immortal Jeff Query, the Shake n' Blake years, Big Duddy, and a lot of other horrid desecrations of the game of football all in a tidy decade. And you know what Mike Brown had to say for himself after giving us one of, if not the losingest decade, by any pro sports team in America, ever?

He said he needed a new stadium to renew fan interest or he was taking his toy to another town. It wasn't his fault that he had rolled out a decades worth of football teams that could be compared less than favorably with Kramer's Beefarino Inspired Horseshit. It was the fans fault that they didn't want to pay to ride in the Hansome Cab that the horsehit wafted directly into. And because Ohio people are desperately in love with any form of football, be it good, average, bad, or Bengalian, the city of Cincy gave him his new stadium. The details of the new stadium deal were hashed out between Brown and Hamilton County Commissioner Bob Bedinghaus. And that deal now stands as the hallmark of how to fund a new stadium while simultaneously burning a city to ashes. "Coincidentally" enough, once Bob Bedinghaus' term was over as County Commissioner he landed softly as a feather in an executive position with the Bengals. Not fishy at all. I mean, Hamilton County should take its lumps for voting the stadium deal into existence but, come on, how many people really know more than a 10 second summary of what they're voting on? It's not like anyone except a very astute few probably saw the stadium deal for what it was. And what it was was a stone cold bushwacking. Now Cincinnati is broken because of it.

A person with a shred of civic guilt would have tried to rework some of the deal to alleviate the stress that it's lopsided nature has put on public schools and other underfunded aspects of the community. But that ain't Mike Brown. He wants his money, he wants his stadium upgrades, and if he doesn't get it he will make threats. Because the only thing Mike Brown has ever thought worthy of not cheaping on is lawyers. Assholes on the internet always counterargue that Mike Brown shouldn't have to give back anything to the community because he's a businessman, and making money is what he is about. It's a solid argument, in as much as saying that poor people shouldn't be allowed to receive unemployment or welfare, because, fuck 'em, basically. Well, I guess you can think that way if you want to be flint hearted and evil. What you really sound like is a person with no ability to see things outside your own point of view.

When it boils down Mike Brown is cheap and greedy and incredibly tone deaf to what social responsibilities he shirks every year because it might slightly effect his bottom line. I'm not saying anyone should actually do it but if the world were a just place he would get run over by a line of cars hurrying to get to a Reds game. And then hopefully and realistically he would have been too cheap to spend money on a real insurance plan so all his hospital bills would wipe him out and leave him destitute for the last couple excrutiatingly painful years of his life. Fuck him.