The Greatest Thing That Ever Happened

NASA had been preparing for months. Big Media had been easing the public conscious into the idea of it to the point where America was salivating over the chance to see it. Documentarists and Big Budget Action Movie Producers alike were throwing Fuck You Money around trying to get the best access. The President had already called it, "Potentially the most glorious moment in our nation's history." It was what one interviewee from the street called, "Something so good that I'm worried I might bust a stitch in my side from the hilarity." It was, The Greatest Thing That Ever Happened.

It all started with a comment Rush Limbaugh made regarding the President not having America's best interests at heart. His listeners latched onto it and started repeating it to the point where the Press Secretary had to refute the statement. That unfortunately gave the comment some form of stillborn legitimacy that Rush and his acolytes used as a torch for the next couple months to light their way of thinking.

The hubbub may have all wound down and gone away if Rush didn't build upon the comment by saying that the President was going to steal all the nation's money and flee to one of the "Secret Liberal Moon Colonies" that he and his cronies had been building for the last several years. For whatever reason, this incensed the President, maybe because he actually had been building these fantastic sounding moon colonies and was worried that Rush knew too much. So the President made an announcement and said that due to his newly minted extrajudicial powers he was going to do something to Rush that no one had ever thought possible before. Something wonderful and awe-inspiring and totally batshit crazy.

The President commanded NASA to start building the apparatus that met his specifications for the mission. He ordered Big Media to get their talking points ready for why this event needed to happen. And then he sat back and laughed, because this shit was going to be cray.

NASA built what he asked for. And the day came. Rush was brought forth from his secret illegal holding cell. He was hoisted into a giant cannon that could accommodate his fat ass. And they loaded the cannon up with super explosive firepowder and lit a really big fuse. Then the cannon fired him directly into the Sun, to the applause of all that watched. America reached it's Zenith that day.

I apparently am not the first to think of this, because this was on the first page of my google image search for "rush limbaugh being fired out of a cannon into the sun" courtesy of thesteelshark.com.

This is the President's address from later that day, "Don't fuck with me or my Moon Colonies."