Spielberg's Finest Cut Of Ham

So who wants to find out what I think about Saving Private Ryan? No one! If you haven't seen it yet, well go to your nearest theatre and ask when the next showing is. They'll likely say 1998. But don't be deterred, there is probably some theatre in Zanesville, Ohio playing it for the first time. Just go there, and PRO-TIP - stop by the Lee's Fried Chicken food court on your way. Anyway, this is liveblog of the movie. I will not be providing time markers because I'm not a camera.

- Alright, I'm starting this about 45 minutes in because I was eating delicious rotisserie chicken from a place in the ghetto around the corner from me.

- I'm confused, in Saving Private Ryan, all da germans needed to do to win the war was kill the last ryan brother, right? Zilly germanz!

- Tom Sizemore collected all those dirt cannisters to create Versailles, Indiana. Right?
- Alright, I just found out how Breaking Bad ends. Walter White builds a time machine, starts cooking meth in an army barracks. Gets his arm blown off in a freak cooking accident, then becomes a two star general that is grievously emotionally hurt that Ms. Ryan has lost all but one her sons on D-Day. Sounds like a horrible ending, but you know, Breaking Bad knows what they're doing so lets see how it plays out.
- Apparently Vin Motherfuxxxing Diesel is Eye-Talian in this movie? Caparzo? Cpme on.
- Don't listen to Paul Giamatti!!! He is still drunkenly bemused from drinking that rare bottle of red wine in that one movie everyone acts like they liked but was in fact just so so.
-  Why's this french guy ranting about Bas Rutten?
- Vinny 6 Fast 6 Furious Diesel learned a valuable lesson in that rainy french town. Never try to adopt a little french child when there is German sniper in the building down the street. German snipers are stridently anti adopting little french children. But oddly enough, German Snipers are stridently pro accessorizing their weaponry with fur trimmings.
- BARRY PEPPER IS THE REAPER! 
- BAD WALL! VERY BAD WALL! NO BEGGIN BITS FOR YOU!
- Ted Danson does. not. fuck. around.
- Oh shit Ed Burns is slowly starting to see the ludicrousness of this plot/movie. Take it up with Spielberg, Burns. Not Tom Hanks, he's just following orders and trying to keep his men alive.
- Danson understands why this mission is so important. He has brothers himself. Wait, what if he's lying? It could be a trap! Danson is a sleeper cell! They just cut that part out of the movie because it was already 45 hours long!
-Why does everyone think Sizemore is a weirdo now? Something about stalking Heidi Fleiss or something?
- Too much introspection. I don't care about Giovanni Ribisi being cold to his mom. Spielberg be Spielbergin.
- I wonder why TV Execs haven't engineered the swapping of audio between two channels. So instead of listening to their stupid dialogue in this movie I could be listening to Nancy Grace talk about important shit. BIG TV is lessening my viewing experience because of a, um, conspiracy, or something.
- Yeah, if I was a jew in WWII I wouldn't just be showing captured German soldiers my David Star, I'd be conducting a full on seder and singing the marriage song and toasting La Chaims to everyone.
- SHITBIRD. Great word.  
- TURNING POINT! Guy with tenitis knows where Jimmy Francis Ryan is. Cue the uplifting music. Cue the huddle up and strategery. Cue the final act of this goddamn great american patriotic rock flag and eagle movie!
- Cinematography game is air tight Spielberg. I will begrudgingly hand that over to you. 
- Watch out for the seemingly random placement of a german anti aircraft machine gun. It knows you're there, and it wants to feast on your innards.
- Tom Hanks sees the bigger picture. He will take out that frickin gun come hell or highwater. 
- Run the Hook and Lateral! Wait, no, run The Annexation of Puerto Rico! 
- Lt. Frank Winters would have taken out this gun much better. Textbook maneuvers on a fixed position shit.
- And Ribisi is down! Who medics the medic? Everyone! Because too many cooks always makes the broth much better! One. Two. Three. Teamwork! Scratch that, Ribisi is medic'ing himself to wildly unsuccessful results. 4 out of 5 medics agree, morphine is the best cure for a fatal gunshot wound.And for trying to relax after a long day of work. What I'm trying to say is...mmmmm...morphine.
- BARRY PEPPER WILL HAVE HIS VENGEANCE. IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT. 
- Dig you german son of a bitch. Ahahhaha, he just figured out that the grave he was digging was for himself.
- Ahahhaha Sizemore is a deranged ass G in this. 
- You ain't a schoolteacher Tom Hanks, you are a problem solver! And a leader. And a damned fine soldier.
- Spielberg be spielbergin. Shadowy shot. Everyone comes around to give Hanks a hand dragging the body while piccollo's play a little ditty. 
- The sunflower field is trap! I repeat. The sunflowers are spawning german tanks out of thin air. Proceed with caution.
- Gotdamn, that is how you kill a tank. 
- AND WE HAVE OUR JAMES FRANCIS RYAN! OH HE'S JUST A GOOD OLE BOY. ALL SMILES AND JOKES!
- Shoot the scene from behind the barbed wire to impart the perilousness of the situation Spielberg. I see you. 
- Goddmanit Matt Damon, your orders have been superceded. Tom Hanks just want to get home to his wife. You're gonna make him die on the bridge. Gahh. This liveblog is over because I don't want to fuck around during this last scene. Too much glory to be watched. 
- Actually one last thing, the homemade sticky grenade bomb they make using their socks and black tar heroin to stick on tanks is baller as hell. Alright, I'm out. 
- Actually, one last thing. What if they remade the movie so that Tom Hanks was trying to Save Private Rya...from going to hell by taking Jesus into his life.